Adjective Prohibition

This week’s exercise is to write a character description or profile of yourself that doesn’t use a single adjective.  Minimum of 300 words, maximum of 600 words. Here’s what I did:

Who Am I?

I was born on January. So naturally, that makes me a Capricorn. According to Wikipedia, individuals born under this sign have ambition, display patience, value responsibility, exemplify stability, demonstrate trustworthiness, and possess intelligence and persistence. However, Capricorns are also characterized by their coldness, conservatism, rigidity, materialism, and dullness.

So which am I, really?

I do admit to concocting dreams (illusions, actually) of world domination so I guess that qualifies as a form of ambition. But I also see myself as the prince of all slackers. Most of the time, I just want to sit on the couch and watch DVDs all day. Or maybe that’s just laziness.

Displaying patience? Of course. When we have band practice, I usually arrive on time and I have to wait for an hour or so for the rest of the guys to show up (if they ever show up at all). But, my temper boils when I’m caught in traffic.

Valuing responsibility? At home, I pay for the telephone bills and my brother’s tuition fees. Except for that time back in November when I had to borrow money from a friend because I miscalculated (again) my budget.

Exemplifying stability? Are we talking stability in terms of finance, spirituality, mentality, or sense of balance? None of the above, I guess.

Demonstrating trustworthiness? I am the world’s number one keeper of secrets. That should make me the godfather of reliability. Although I couldn’t help spreading gossip sometimes to people who turned out to be whistle blowers. But that’s their problem, not mine.

Possessing intelligence? I solve Sudoku puzzles everyday.  It is with pride that I divulge this fact. However, I haven’t had the pleasure of completing a puzzle yet.

Persistence? Didn’t I mention that I try and try (vainly) to complete a Sudoku puzzle? I rest my case.

And who says I’ve got coldness? Those who have embraced me can attest to the warmth of my personality. I got the hots, baby. You want it? Come and get it.

Conservatism? Of course not! I have a penchant for liberalism. I am the rock god of progressivism. I eat change and innovation for breakfast.

Rigidity? I’m an instrument of fluidity (because I got glass skeleton syndrome). Materialism? I embrace minimalism (because I can’t afford to buy stuff). Dullness? Check paragraph eight.

So what am I? A walking contradiction? Beats me.

Fifty Five Words Revisited

Last year, I posted a creative writing exercise (Fifty Five Words) that deals with exactly fifty five words. I met PinchMe through Mylot.com and this person gamely shared his fifty five word short story. Here it is:

The Episode Before Relaxation

Shandry stored the black lid canister in his breast pocket.
No one else was looking as he did it.
Noise from the marketplace grew to surround him.
The nervious tension finally left the air.
Luckily he knew the place well.
His actions were not suspicious.
Everyone kept to themselves.
He returned home.
Sitting down.
Puff!

Fictional Love Letter

This week’s exercise involves writing a fictional love letter based on any one of the following scenarios:

- A criminal in love with a police officer, or vice versa
- A teenager in love with a forty year old teacher (specify subject), or vice versa
- A love letter to Elizabeth Ramsey
- To Manny, from Eric Morales with love
- A corporate employee in love with an overbearing HR personnel

Here’s what I did:

Dear Ma’am Suzie—the most beautiful Math Teacher in the planet:

How do u do it? … How do u affected me so?

With a slyt brush of ur hand, you send a gatrillion electric surges into my system juz like a death row prisoner being electrocuted for being in love two much. With a curve of ur mouth, you are causing an anti-gravitty field that allows me to hav a sensation akin to an astronaut in zero gravitty—floating n floating as if I will nevr fall.

But I am falling. So fast, so deep … into a bottomless pit of an abbyss that can not be measured by miles, kms or even sonar coz that’s what you are—you are infinitie in your beauty and wisdom. Oh, when you do those mathematrical problems, I wish I was d solution so that you can deliciously recite me off your sultrie lips or gracefully write me on the black board using ur delicately tender juicy fingers.

I have falling in luv with you so much that it hurts a lot even when I’m not aching. I love you. I love all of you and especially you.

Romantically imprisoned to you,
Harold
6th Grade

P.S. Mwah!

–

Harold,

You put this letter on my desk instead of Ms. Suzie’s (we switched tables a week ago) but I couldn’t help but read it. I guess you mean well but as your English teacher, I must say that you need to work harder on getting your grammar and spelling right. If this was your homework, I would grade it an “F”.

Try again please.

Mr. Celestino Contapay
English Department

Tanka-delic

This week’s exercise is to write a poem about dancing. The poem must be in a form of “Tanka”. Tanka is a Japanese syllabic form composed of 5 lines and arranged into a tercet (3 line stanza), followed by a break and then the final couplet. Tanka’s syllable is structured to 5-7-5-7-7 pattern. Here’s a sample of Tanka poem:

My son’s wedding day   (5)
When past memories overtake   (7)
Dreams of the future   (5)

A boy running to his mom   (7)
A man walking to his wife   (7)

I did three:

A Dance Partner Laments

Give me flamenco!
Alas, she did the tango!
This ain’t my lingo!

I prefer the salsa!
But she wants Macarena!

R&B Cadence

Michael Jackson kitsch!
Move it, you son of a b**tch!
How-why-when-where-which?

I don’t know—don’t really care.
Just wave my hands in the air!

What Gino Felt Last Christmas

Dance, dance—I could not!
But that lady—she was hot!
Grind with her—I ought!

Wiggled this and wiggled that!
She enjoyed it—I’m sure of that!

Reflective Fiction

This week’s exercise is to write a reflective fictional piece based on a picture of a sad, old woman. It must be in the form of a monologue. Here’s what I did:

Hinumdum

He said it’s inevitable. Almost forty per cent of people my age eventually succumb to it. But he could be wrong, he admitted it. It could be something else.

Maybe. Some of my doctors have been wrong before. This one could be wrong too.

Because I feel fine. At least I would like to think so.

It was only yesterday that my daughter—her name is Chonita—celebrated her birthday. She visited me. We talked about Mike. We talked about Bobby. I remember it so vividly. It was yesterday.

Or was it?

What day is it today? What year is it? I’m sure it was Thursday yesterday.

No, it was Wednesday. Chonita always visits me on Wednesdays. And she always brings her daughter—no, her son—ten year old Thomas. Cute little Thomas. My little angel Thomas.

I can’t remember his face right now but I do remember his voice. He always speaks to me. In my head. In my dreams. In my waking hours. He’s always laughing.

But lately, the laughter is fading away. But it will be back. It has to come back!

Make it come back, Doctor! Bring everything back!

Chonita? Where is she? CHONITA! WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER?! Where is everybody?

Where am I?

What am I?

Who am I?

Doctor, please … I want to remember … I don’t want to forget … I’m tired of trying to remember … Just let me …

Just let me sleep …

Will you wake me up before the end? …

It’s Another One Act Play

This week’s writing exercise involves writing a very short one act play involving two characters. The play must begin with the opening line “Did I ever tell you about Daisy?” uttered by Character 1 and end with the closing line “Yes, I think the zoo is a terrific idea” uttered by Character 2. Here’s what I did:
PINK BALLOONS

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Gino. Struggling dancer. Works as a part time clown in Melvin’s Balloon Shop.
Melvin. Full-time clown, owns his own Balloon Shop.

SCENE:
Balloon shop. Gino and Melvin are inflating birthday balloons (using a helium tank) for a party less than an hour away. Both men are already in clown make-up and costume. Clock on the wall reads 2:33 PM. Melvin is working fast. Gino appears distracted.

Gino: (after staring at Melvin for a minute) Did I ever tell you about Daisy?
Melvin: Sorry?
Gino: Did I ever tell you about Daisy?
Melvin: Daisy? You mean Daisy from the beauty parlor down the corner?
Gino: No, not her. I meant Daisy—the one I’ve been seeing for quite some time now.
Melvin: Aah—him. That cheeseburger cutie you met at school. (smiles)
Gino: (laughs) Daisy wasn’t selling cheeseburgers, actually. He was handing out free burgers as part of the university’s outreach program.
Melvin: Whatever. Hey, look—I’m running out of pink balloons, would you mind kicking that box towards me?

Gino kicks a carton full of balloons towards Melvin. He kicks too hard—the box flips upside down in Melvin’s left side.

Melvin: Dammit, Gino, look what you’ve done?—
Gino: Sorry.
Melvin: We should have prepared more pink balloons—Chonita specifically requested for pink ones. Well, I guess these lavender ones will have to do. Anyway, what about Daisy?
Gino: (pauses). Daisy’s leaving the country. First week of November.
Melvin: (stops and looks at Gino). Whoa.
Gino: Yeah.
Melvin: (resumes air-filling balloons). Well, good for Daisy. Where to?
Gino: Australia. Melbourne.
Melvin: And?
Gino: He wants me to go with him.

A pause.
Melvin: So? What’s the problem?
Gino: Melv, the Rent production will be looking for new talent next Feb and I guess, I want to audish. I mean, this could be the big break I’ve been waiting for. This could be my ticket out of this—clown thing.
Melvin: Hey! This is a legitimate and honest-to-goodness business, Gin! You make it sound like I’m pushing meth or something.
Gino: Yeah, but I want something more than just jumping around in children’s parties. I wanna be somebody.
Melvin: You are somebody! You’re the best clown I’ve ever hired, d’you know that? You’re a natural! I really thought you’d go full time on this. I was even expecting you’d be willing to go partnership.
Gino: Oh come on, Melv. I don’t wanna do this for life!
Melvin: You’re not exactly getting job offers from the theater, that’s for sure! (notices the clock) Dammit, it’s ten to three. Have you seen my rubber nose?
Gino: (looks around) Here it is. (tosses it to Melvin)
Melvin: Shit, it’s all messed up—looks like my weener. Can’t wear this—can you throw me that other one? (Gino tosses a pink rubber nose to Melvin) Thanks. By the way, your make-up is wearing off on the left cheek. Try to re-apply some before we go there.
Gino: Daisy says he can get a job easily in the city. You know, with his college degree and all.
Melvin: What did he finish again?
Gino: Vet.
Melvin: (sarcastic) Yeah, right. I’m sure those Aussies have a lot of pets. (sniggers)
Gino: Yeah, but what about me, Melv? It’s not like I got credentials like him.
Melvin: (still sniggering) True.
Gino: You can be a little more sympathetic, you know.
Melvin: Come on, Gin. If you’re gonna go with Daisy, you’re gonna have to look for some source of income, too.
Gino: Like what?
Melvin: I don’t know. Learn HTML programming! Apply for a search engine optimizer position! You can even do that Erasure-Hagibis dance routine for all I care! I mean, YOU ARE A CLOWN, for God’s sake! Use your imagination!

Silence. 
Gino: Actually, Daisy said he’s applying for a job for this wildlife conservatory in the city.
Melvin: (laughs) Wow, that’s something.
Gino: You think maybe I can get a job at this zoo, too?

Melvin looks hard and long at Gino. Melvin slowly sighs. Melvin walks towards Gino and straightens Gino’s oversized lapel. Melvin brushes away some face powder accumulating on Gino’s right shoulder.  Then Melvin re-applies some of Gino’s make-up.

Melvin: Told you to fix your make-up before we go. You know, you should try to shave those eyebrows more often, too. Come on, we’re getting late. You take those pink balloons and I’ll take these—

Melvin gets the lavender balloons and heads towards the door. He suddenly stops—a step away from the exit. He makes another long sigh. He turns around to face Gino.

MELVIN: Yes, I think the zoo is a terrific idea.

Lights dim, curtains close.

Voice-over Intros

For those who grew up in the 80s, the A-Team series had the best voice-over introduction:

“In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.”

This week’s writing exercise involves is writing an opening monologue to an imaginary TV show featuring yourself and your workplace. It should draw interest and have buildup. You can be creative and invent out-of-this-world plots. Choose any genre and come up with your own show title. I work for iCOMM International and here’s what I did:

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. With information provided by iCOMM International Intelligence—the world’s most extensive spy network, Osama Bin Laden was apprehended in Beirut. However, Bin Laden mysteriously disappeared while under iCOMM’s custody. Tensions boil as terrorist groups threaten to wage World War Three. Believing there’s a mole in the agency, the UN sends Agent Paperbag with orders to locate that mole. It’s up to him to prevent nuclear war. He’s got Thirty Days.”    
   — Opening monologue to the multi-Emmy-award winning FOX series “Thirty Days”, starring Johnny Depp, Tom Hanks, Robert De Niro and Shaunita Seehouse. 

Alibis

In the world of marketing, having a ready alibi for anything can be handy. For example, you forgot to email a client a print ad study and now the irate client is on the phone asking for it. Ready alibi: “Sir, we phoned in a message to your secretary yesterday because we wanted to make the presentation to you in person. I guess the secretary must have forgotten. Anyway, we’ll be ready to show it to you on Wednesday.” Not only has your ready alibi saved you from possible job termination but also gave you little time to ACTUALLY make that print ad study. Well, let us put our alibi conceptualization skills to the test in a rather, extreme situation. The situation is this:

Your spouse/lover just found you in the living room:
 
a) completely nude
b) lying on the couch with another completely nude person
c) with a pair of handcuffs
d) with used contraceptives
e) with Basic Instinct playing on the TV
f) with a book entitled “How To Drive Your Lover Crazy in Bed” wide open
 
For this exercise, you have two options: an explanatory speech or an explanation letter. In either case, you must account for every item listed above (a to f) to your partner. The exercise is good for an hour. Fire away.

Here’s what I did:
HONEY …

Honey, thank God you weren’t here thirty minutes ago!

You see, I was sitting here on the couch watching CSI: Miami and reading this really educational book called “How To Drive Your Lover Crazy in Bed” because, you know, I wanted to *ahem* “be ready” for you after our second anniversary dinner date tomorrow night—if you know what I mean, baby—when suddenly a blinding light came streaming from the window over there and the living room was completely strewn with white light. I wanted to run but I’ve become paralyzed! I felt my body suddenly float towards the window (now open)! Oh, honey, you have no idea how scary it was!

The next thing I knew, I was suddenly transported in what looks like an operating room but with various strange-looking medical instruments! Two strange men with big eyes and gray bodies were forcing me to lie on a steel table and they were about to bind my hands and feet so that I wouldn’t be able to move. I looked around and I saw another human being—a policewoman! She’s tied in another operating table too! I had to do something, honey!

So with all my strength, I kicked one of the strange men with my free leg and punched another one with my free arm. Quickly I freed myself and freed the policewoman, too. Then we took one strange man, tied him with handcuffs and held him hostage so that we could make our getaway! We made ourselves to the teleportation machine but to our surprise, three other strange men were waiting for us with strange-looking pistols! The policewoman took out her pistol and hit two of the strange men! Unfortunately, the remaining armed strange man was able to fire a shot at us both and directly hit us!

Oh, honey, I was sure were history that time but to our surprise, we were left unharmed! We realized that the strange man’s pistol must have been a kind of disintegrating gun because we realized the policewoman’s gun was gone and so were the clothes we wore! But we were able to jump into the teleportation machine with our hostage and transported ourselves back into the house!

But they were chasing us! They were outside the window! In panic I threw a vase at one of them! To my surprise, the strange man writhed in agony and several burns were appearing on his skin where the water of the vase made contact! I realized these creatures can be killed by water! So I gathered all the spare condoms I could find and filled them with water and threw them at the intruders! And we were able to thwart them all! Each one of them got vaporized!

Except for one—our hostage! The policewoman decided to interrogate him but it wasn’t very hard because the strange man can do telepathy! The strange man telepathically said that they were wicked invaders from a planet called Zerg and they’re here on earth to study human beings! They have been studying us for a long time including our culture, our arts and our movies. Suddenly the alien blinked and “Basic Instinct” was on the TV! The alien explained that this movie has helped them in grasping the basic instincts of human beings, our level of intelligence and our anatomical features!

I couldn’t bear it any longer! I shouted at the top of my lungs “You’ll never take our planet Earth away from us!” and before the policewoman could stop me, I threw a water balloon at the sniveling villain! Instantly, he got vaporized! Leaving only the handcuffs on the couch!

Oh, dear! It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life! I’m only thankful that you weren’t here thirty minutes ago, my darling! Because for the life of me, I would not know what to do if those aliens get a hold of my one true love! That’s you, baby!

So … what time am I going to you pick up for tomorrow’s dinner?

Playing Around With Three Words

This week’s exercise is writing a tritina. A tritina is a 10-line poem that doesn’t use any rhyme scheme. It consists of 3 stanzas and a final line which uses the 3 words in the starting sequence. A tritina follows this pattern:
 
A.. B.. C…
C.. A.. B…
B.. C.. A…
A,B,C…

Example:

It Is War

A     I have no wish to hurt you, Mr. Mole.
B     My view was clearly made, blocking all your tunnels
C     Or the large cat scents I did place around my home.

C     No squatter’s rights exist to the ground at my home.
A     My house, occupied, takes precedence, Mr. Mole.
B     Cease and desist in the making of more tunnels!

B     This trickery you used on my dogs at your tunnels.
C     Surely they knew, this place was not your home.
A     They bother not a scratch or a bark for you, mole.

ABC   It is war with this mole who tunnels at my home.
 

I took a step further by writing two of my own. Here they are:
 

*The Bus Conductor Opines

The daintiest, rugged-est, tramp you’ll ever see—
She was. That free-spirited, Kamuning woman—
I have never met someone like her in my life!

Hear this well my friends because for the life
Of me, I daresay you’ll never hear nor ever see 
A person as wittily impish as this woman!

Who, you ask? There! That’s her! That woman
Is doing it again! Oh for the sake of life—
She’s jumping up and spitting again! See?!

Aargh. I hope I’ll never see that woman again in my life.
 

The Philosopher Misses His Lunch

I am what I am.
But still—
I feel hungry.

Why am I hungry?
Pondering, I am,
Sitting here still.

Well, I am also still!
I’m not just hungry!
Ergo, that’s what I am!

I am satisfied. Though still hungry.
 

*This piece is inspired by a limerick written by Luida Cabatana for last week’s writing exercise (see previous entry).

There was a young woman from Kamuning
Who caught the bus in the morning.
It said on the door:
“Don’t spit on the floor!”
So, she jumped up and spat on the ceiling.

Couplets And Triplets

This week’s exercises involves a limerick. A limerick, by the way, is a five-line poem written with one couplet and one triplet. If a couplet is a two-line rhymed poem, then a triplet would be a three-line rhymed poem. The rhyme pattern is a a x x a with lines 1, 2 and 5 containing 3 beats and rhyming, and lines 3 and 4 having two beats and rhyming. Limericks are meant to be funny. They often contain hyperbole, onomatopoeia, idioms, puns, and other figurative devices. The last line of a good limerick contains the PUNCH LINE or “heart of the joke.”

I’m not sure if I did it right but anyway here are two limericks I did:
 

Longevity

Who is the oldest bloke of all?
Let’s settle this once and for all.
Who’s older than I am—
Yoda or Adam?
Ha ha! I’ve outlived each and all!
 

The Applicant

My job interview—‘tis today!
But shirt is dirty, shoes are gray— 
I think I’m dead!
But the receptionist said:
“The interview was yesterday.”